It feels as though when you are alone, & need someone the most,
they push you away. Why is that?
But I am growing, learning how to cope with my anxiety and panic disorder, and trying to help others see it for what it is. I will not be outcast because of my feelings. When you want a real friend, and are afraid to tell them your real feelings because of how they will react, you tend to shut down. Its even harder to make new friends. And its worse when you try to go to family with it, Family is NOT always there, no matter what they say, sometimes they just never will understand you. And sometimes they will never even TRY to understand you!
If anyone is Mad at me for posting this, I am sorry for making you mad, but I NEEDED SOMEONE to hear it, even if you didn't want to.
OBVIOUSLY names were changed and things that were repeated were cut out, as well as personal information, but here is the message.
"It's ok, I love you, I'm sorry that you feel that way, I am here for you still"
Well I got half of that.
(and some words are LARGER to impact the IMPORTANT words I am saying, They were NOT LIKE that in the letter)
This is the BEGINNING of the messages
OH, unless you count the guy who robbed my (me) at my JOB twice in the same week with a knife pressed up against my back so he could get a few cigarettes (oh but well now, since that job I SMOKE, and cant afford to buy cigs, so now i know where he was coming from, maybe he had no friends or family that would talk to him either so i guess we were friends. OH or I know, the guy (previous boyfriend) that told me he loved me, then after a few months started beating me over the head every day and started taking HARDCORE DRUGS and ruining my life, and sanity, and i couldn't get away , until a neighbor decided to call the cops (THAT was the last time I ever saw him, I will NEVER EVER be with an abusive man, ever again!), or how about EVERY YEAR i lose my home because i cant afford it, can't keep a job because i CRY/stress out for no flippin reason that I can explain, or the spine injury i got washing dishes and couldnt afford to take care of, so never went to the doctor, or how bout the time i was in freshman year HS, FAMILY MEMBER sent me size 5x pants and top when i was only an XL. (that really felt like an insult) like any of you really gave a shit. (again this is how i felt, being ignored, pushed away) my ONE FAMILY MEMBER is the ONLY one who called me, EVER. and now I cant even call him because im embarrassed about how FAMILY MEMBER talked to me like i dont mean SHIT to them. as if i ever did (yes, I felt I was the outcast, I wasnt good enough). I do love you guys, all of you, but i have had social anxiety disorder for a lot longer than i have even known, and for FAMILY MEMBER to act like a "*" because i was afraid to tell her about my shitty f*cking life, or dare embarrass her. Im over it.
im sorry i accused you of being perfect, but "FAMILY MEMBER" talks to you and i was jealous, and she never once tried to talk to me, she just expected me to just call her, and tell her about all the good thats happening... instead i fear telling her the endless crap of nothing good happening, always looking up, hoping for the best, working my ass off, and getting shit on by every passing bird. here is a little bit more about SAD, you might understand me maybe
i miss you guys every day, and just dont know how to get out of this vicious cycle.
This is the END of Messages
(That was the last thing I said before I was blocked, that I miss them, and I don't know how to get out of what I am going through)
I WILL apologize for the matter of which I was talking (Yes, I was very upset and maybe even rude, but I was very alone, felt VERY abandoned, and I was having a serious panic attack, and then got pushed away because I told them I needed someone)
I will apologize for calling my other family member that hated me something rude, but it was how I felt, they disinherited me, because I had the "if you can't say something nice, dont say it at all" I was trying to live by, and if nothing in your life is good, don't drag anyone else into it, right? I feel that they did was absolutely uncalled for, and I did NOTHING to deserve being disinherited over. I don't want to complain to people every time I talk, so I just tried to deal with it on my own, and when I DID try to communicate with someone, the second person, it blows up in my face. If trying to keep bad things to myself makes me a bad person, then think what you want.
On to the second person, who this who conversation was with, I absolutely love this person, and miss them like crazy, I have lost touch with them, then in my struggle to try to explain WHY I can't talk to people, they toss me aside like a piece of trash, and broke my heart even more. Now I am hoping to rekindle something that may or may never happen. (all over a miscommunication, of something I never even said.
Again, I will apologize for my WAY of saying things, but don't know if I can apologize for something I never said, It was all a misunderstanding. They were mad for one thing, that never never even happend, and I was mad for another, and the one trying to help ease the situation says am supposed to let it go, but because my opinion doesn't matter, everything that happened really doesn't matter, getting family back does.
This is the last chance to stand my ground, and I am saying it all here so I don't say it all to them, but I feel it DOES matter to be able to say it to someone... So it's going on my blog. This is me letting it go. I put it out into the universe, and let it go....
I am sorry for who I hurt, but still. I am NOT a bad person for FEELING what I feel, or expressing my feelings in any way. I just have a hard time SAYING THEM!
I have been working on a letter, and some art for this person in my family, but i am still struggling to get the right words without MENTIONING any of this. I have actually written the letter about 5 times now. I can only use my own words, But I still don't know what to say in MY words!
Don't leave them when they need you.
This was my struggle in the past, and to this day still remains difficult to find people who understand me. But I love them anyway, whether they totally get me, or not. And I HOPE they can love ME whether THEY GET ME or not.
(I can't figure out why the fonts are all different, I wrote them all in the same)