Sunday, September 25, 2016

Cast Aside For Feeling Cast Aside

It feels as though when you are alone, & need someone the most,

 they push you away. Why is that? 

But I am growing, learning how to cope with my anxiety and panic disorder, and trying to help others see it for what it is. I will not be outcast because of my feelings. When you want a real friend, and are afraid to tell them your real feelings because of how they will react, you tend to shut down. Its even harder to make new friends. And its worse when you try to go to family with it, Family is NOT always there, no matter what they say, sometimes they just never will understand you. And sometimes they
will never even TRY to understand you!

If you have family that does, BLESS THEM! Be VERY grateful EVERY day that you have them! 
I do have some family still out here for me, especially in these later years, but I still don't know if they TRULY understand me

If anyone is Mad at me for posting this, I am sorry for making you mad, but I NEEDED SOMEONE to hear it, even if  you didn't want to.

This is was a personal message from  A LONG TIME AGO. 

 Someone in my family posted how NONSENSE it was to try to cry anxiety or depression, or that it was a stupid excuse... and I had a been through a REALLY hard time in life up to that point, feeling left out, feeling ignored. and I had JUST figured out that I had severe anxiety, and things that had in my life in the coming years had happened to make it worse and worse. (like being robbed 2 times in a week, at my WORK) Or my Father having a serious life threatening thing happen, and I was given ONLY 24 HOURS by my boss to travel 7 hours to see him, spend a COUPLE HOURS ONLY with him and drive 7 HOURS back and STILL HAD TO WORK THE NEXT DAY, (SERIOUSLY!? What a B*TCH! I am sorry, but that was AWFUL to do to someone! Fast food is SERIOUSLY NOT THAT IMPORTANT, I SHOULD HAVE quit, but I was desperate, I REALLY needed the money )

I felt like the COMMENT of ANXIETY BEING STUPID EXCUSE was an insult, I was hurt, So I tried to explain myself to them the only way I could in that moment. I was CRYING the entire time I wrote this, angry and felt like I had NO one to talk to because I didn't have anything good to say. (I lived far away from EVERYONE in my family, and ALWAYS had a hard time calling people, but when things were bad, I DEFINITELY couldn't call people. So this was a cry for help, a hand reaching out, telling them I'm sorry I am a f*ck up, PLEASE PLEASE be there for me.  I am sorry for saying mean things to anyone I may have said anything about, BUT I felt extremely betrayed by A LOT of people in my life, and it felt like no one gave a sh!t about me, or what I had to say, ever. When I spilled my guts about everything I had been holding back on my family, been dealing with alone, it was like sh!t hitting the fan

 OBVIOUSLY names were changed and things that were repeated were cut out, as well as personal information, but here is the message. 

And to tell you the truth, this was a Panic Attack, one of several I have have had in the past, and experienced alone because I didn't have even one friend to talk to about it. I couldn't even breathe, my heart was pounding, I was shaking which was effecting the way I typed, and I still kept talking, HOPING that they would say

 "It's ok, I love you, I'm sorry that you feel that way, I am here for you still" 
Well I got half of that. 

P.S. Everything in Italics and Bold Italics and Parentheses  in the post is all Now, Today, Thoughts and feelings, even within the actual messages, Oh and I kept all the errors to show how MUCH frustration I was going through, not caring about spelling or punctuation) 
(and some words are LARGER to impact the IMPORTANT words I am saying, They were NOT LIKE that in the letter)

This is the BEGINNING of the messages

1/11, 11:45p
I havent made a friend (or had health insurance, stable job, or people that care), i mean a REAL friend (like your real ones and your fb ones) since the last time i saw you and Family Member, (unless you can count this last year with my (at the time current) boyfriend/fiance, and thats because the only one who can handle me crying, and doesnt JUDGE me for not being able to express myself correctly. 

OH, unless you count the guy who robbed my (me) at my JOB twice in the same week with a knife pressed up against my back so he could get a few cigarettes (oh but well now, since that job I SMOKE, and cant afford to buy cigs, so now i know where he was coming from, maybe he had no friends or family that would talk to him either so i guess we were friends.  OH or I know, the guy (previous boyfriend) that told me he loved me, then after a few months started beating me over the head every day and started taking HARDCORE DRUGS and ruining my life, and sanity, and i couldn't get away , until a neighbor decided to call the cops (THAT was the last time I ever saw him, I will NEVER EVER be with an abusive man, ever again!), or how about EVERY YEAR i lose my home because i cant afford it, can't keep a job because i CRY/stress out for no flippin reason that I can explain, or the spine injury i got washing dishes and couldnt afford to take care of, so never went to the doctor, or how bout the time i was in freshman year HS, FAMILY MEMBER sent me size 5x pants and top when i was only an XL. (that really felt like an insult) like any of you really gave a shit. (again this is how i felt, being ignored, pushed away) my ONE FAMILY MEMBER is the ONLY one who called me, EVER. and now I cant even call him because im embarrassed about how FAMILY MEMBER talked to me like i dont mean SHIT to them. as if i ever did (yes, I felt I was the outcast, I wasnt good enough). I do love you guys, all of you, but i have had social anxiety disorder for a lot longer than i have even known, and for FAMILY MEMBER to act like a "*"  because i was afraid to tell her about my shitty f*cking life, or dare embarrass her. Im over it.


1/12, 12:23am
Then they responded here, said that they were far from perfect, that they were sorry for what happened between the other family member and me,  and that they would always love me, and we will always be family (out of respect I wont post everything that they said but it was nothing but sweet)

(at this point I was still typing, I didnt even get to read her message until AFTER I posted this next one)
1/12, 12:52am

well all I went off to live my life ive felt nothing but HELL, im so flippin lonely, i dont get invited to things, havent made a single friend (I had made kind of friends, but hardly ever got to talk to them, or they avoided me at all costs and those aren't real friends), seeing all your pictures of you and your friends, and hearing from ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER about all the good things you have been doing, ive had a hard time even getting the people that talk to me to understand me, looking at me like i dont know what im talking about or what i have to say is stupid. and now im reading all this stuff about SAD Social Anxiety Disorder and i cant get help for it, have no one to talk to about it. MY FAMILY MEMBER REFUSED to talk to me on thanksgiving when i finally had one single thing good in my life (a guy who actually that gives a damn about me) and she told MY FAMILY MEMBER THAT DOES TALK TO ME to tell me to elope because she would never go and had NO reason to talk to me. ive been crying for 15 years, and i cant stop. I LOVE who i am, people just dont understand, i just cant find anyone who cares to listen to my "meaningless crap" (or they tell me to suck it up, or get over it... see image below), and now, even my the other half of my family cant stand me anymore (It really did feel like this, I wasn't even invited to the most important day of (lets just say sibling ) life, their wedding . (I am still hurt til this day about that btw, they said they did, but NO ONE even TOLD me about it in the first place)

(this was not sent in the message, 
I found it today on Facebook, and it felt appropriate)

im sorry i accused you of being perfect, but "FAMILY MEMBER" talks to you and i was jealous, and she never once tried to talk to me, she just expected me to just call her, and tell her about all the good thats happening... instead i fear telling her the endless crap of nothing good happening, always looking up, hoping for the best, working my ass off, and getting shit on by every passing bird. here is a little bit more about SAD, you might understand me maybe 

Anxiety Disorder
( I sent her a different link to the same page, but it is no longer there)

i miss you guys every day, and just dont know how to get out of this vicious cycle. 

This is the END of Messages

(That was the last thing I said before I was blocked, that I miss them, and I don't know how to get out of what I am going through)

  I was crying out for help, telling them I didn't want to be alone anymore, and that was tired of TRYING to talk to people and getting looked down on... and that I don't know how to talk to people when I had nothing but bad things happen. And then this family member blocked me and told EVERYONE that I SAID was better than them.... I NEVER said ANYTHING like that.  I was admittedly jealous and apologized for even being jealous because it wasn't really their doing.. But I said NOTHING like would Imply that I WAS BETTER than them in ANY way. Now I LOVE this person, and I WANT them in my life, but do I apologize for something that was misinterpreted?  I still don't know what to say because I never said the "rumored reason" of why I was blocked. (and no one in my family will even give me room to tell them what happened, like what I say doesn't matter)

I am changing, and I am growing... 
And letting things fester is the last thing you should do.
 Even when you feel at your lowest point, you will find someone who will understand you, and not judge you!


I WILL apologize for the matter of which I was talking (Yes, I was very upset and maybe even rude, but I was very alone, felt VERY abandoned, and I was having a serious panic attack, and then got pushed away because I told them I needed someone)
 I will apologize for calling my other family member that hated me something rude, but it was how I felt, they disinherited me, because I had the "if you can't say something nice, dont say it at all"  I was trying to live by, and if nothing in your life is good, don't drag anyone else into it, right? I feel that they did was absolutely uncalled for, and I did NOTHING to deserve being disinherited over. I don't want to complain to people every time I talk, so I just tried to deal with it on my own, and when I DID try to communicate with someone, the second person, it blows up in my face. If trying to keep bad things to myself makes me a bad person, then think what you want.

On to the second person, who this who conversation was with,  I absolutely love this person, and miss them like crazy,  I have lost touch with them, then in my struggle to try to explain WHY I can't talk to people, they toss me aside like a piece of trash, and broke my heart even more. Now I am hoping to rekindle something that may or may never happen. (all over a miscommunication, of something I never even said

Again, I will apologize for my WAY of saying things, but don't know if I can apologize for something I never said, It was all a misunderstanding. They were mad for one thing, that never never even happend, and I was mad for another, and the one trying to help ease the situation says am supposed to let it go, but because my opinion doesn't matter, everything that happened really doesn't matter, getting family back does. 

This is the last chance to stand my ground, and I am saying it all here so I don't say it all to them, but I feel it DOES matter to be able to say it to someone... So it's going on my blog. This is me letting it go. I put it out into the universe, and let it go....

 I am sorry for who I hurt, but still. I am NOT a bad person for FEELING what I feel, or expressing my feelings in any way. I just have a hard time SAYING THEM!

I have been working on a letter, and some art for this person in my family, but i am still struggling to get the right words without MENTIONING any of this. I have actually written the letter about 5 times now. I can only use my own words, But I still don't know what to say in MY words!

Here is a list of links that discuss related topics on how to cope with your own anxiety, of if someone you know has anxiety, or panic attacks, and you don't know what to do. Just be there for them.

 Don't leave them when they need you.

This was my struggle in the past, and to this day still remains difficult to find people who understand me. But I love them anyway, whether they totally get me, or not. And I HOPE they can love ME whether THEY GET ME or not.

Notable Links
(I can't figure out why the fonts are all different, I wrote them all in the same)
I know its a bit different, but it still applies in some ways
Anxiety Support Forum 

Has anxiety pushed everyone around you away?

11 Things Anxious People Want You To Understand

This is a good one for people who have someone with anxiety in their life, but don't understand what they are going through

this wasn't a parent child issue, but I definitely feel estranged by a couple of family members

The Anxiety Network: Whats The Difference Between A Panic Disorder and Social Phobia

At the time, I thought it was just Anxiety, but it was more than just that!

  5 Things to Do When Someone You Love Experiences Depression

I wasn't depressed, though, I was misdiagnosed with depression, but I still believe it works with Anxiety

Please feel free to Tweet, post to Facebook or Pinterest or whatever else in the square buttons below each post below

#Anxiety #Castaside  #Alone #familyalwaysthere #familyisneverthere #NoOneGetsMe




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