I need some sunshine. This is a cry for help.

 So I’ve been living with my ex for 3 months, before I broke up with him in December for never having ever paid bills or made me feel financially stable. Just using me the entire time. I don’t even have money, I barely survive. I also have severe anxiety and panic disorder so finding work is extremely challenging. 

People don’t hire you when you are emotional. 

They like robots who have an off button.

 In the entire 8 years of being together, living in a van while we were homeless was the best part of our relationship.

That was when I was still naive of the hell he would bestow upon me for years to come. 

When we got into this apartment, we used every cent I GOT from my disability, not his, he didn’t have income or work. 

I’ve paid the bills the entire time we’ve been together, we’ve lived in this apartment for 6 years now. He’s has worked 2 different “jobs” 3 months a piece. A total of 6 months work since we’ve dated...

I’m not working but I have  an income we survive on, if he had an income we’d both be ok, he just never cared to put in the effort. 

With that short income, He went off and spent that money instantly,  spent a tiny bit to internet, but mostly bought instruments that he would never use or record with. 

Up until 2 weeks ago the only birthday and Christmas present he’s ever even gotten me was a $1 hot wheels DUCK car... and that was given to me after I broke up with him... he used my $1...

I’ve bought him hundreds of those damned cars just BECAUSE he wanted them.. I’ve made him dinners, (never done that for me) I’ve bought him dinners (never done that for me) I’ve paid the rent and all the bills since we got together... I bought him presents birthday and Christmas and just because presents, never one from him... 

Not even a card. 

He took me to all his family holidays, we had nothing to give, but he always forced me to go and accept shit looking like an ass because I was there at all. 

Now...

Well, he got his stimulus...

He spent a LOT on himself already, a synth, some microchips and other stuff, a few other important things, but he hasn’t paid a bill yet... (he paid a big chunk of power after this post but not much else)

Here’s the thing. He let me spend $104 on anything I wanted from a craft store that’s closing... 

I told him this makes up for all the missing birthdays. That was my mistake... 

So tonight after asking him to clear this one box that he had filled up twice (I had cleared it twice to use it to paint on and he kept filling it with crap... so I asked him to clear it, 2 weeks ago) tonight I ended up doing it myself cuz dammit I want to paint.

I clear it myself... and then the new easel he bought me during this ONE Time present, it’s been sitting by the couch for these 2 weeks. But tonight i go to use it... I spend 20 minutes looking, I ask him and he tells me where HE moved it... but I still can’t find it... so he throws a fit because I DARE ask him for help finding an easel that I WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE IF HE DIDN’T BUY IT FOR ME... I answered him YOU WOULDNT HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE OR A BED to sleep in  if it weren’t for me (I’m on the couch, he gets the bedroom, and the second room for his music that he doesn’t make, and the living room is my ONLY room that he spends All day in now, in my only space alone... he has 3 rooms I have NONE to myself 

He thinks I DON’T care, I’m neglectful, I don’t give him credit... for what taking out the trash a week after I ask? 

So

I tell him how I feel and said PLEASE just help me find this so I can PAINT AND release my anxiety of this madness, please. 

HE STONEWALLS ME, screams at me at 10:30pm and plugs his ears like a child jumping on the bed “IM NOT LISTENING I CANT HEAR YOU YOURE EVIL, you’re stupid” and makes childlike mocking when I’m crying about how I feel. Then when i TELL HIM I WANT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE, he MOCKS ME EVEN MORE and says he will NEVER LEAVE.

 he’s never very little into our home financially, he has 2 bedrooms and is trying to take Mine (the living room is my room), and if he was blasting this on the internet he’d be cloutchasing... (like when someone hides your stress release (my easel so I can paint my frustrations out) and then acts like your crazy when you make a big deal. 

He doesn’t care that he’s using someone, gaslighting or stonewalling  me. then, expecting and expecting but giving nothing in return, I made him a ton of food and gave him Extra... I was thanked with fingers in the ears acting like a child. 

So he HIDES my easel and when I ask he acts like I’m an idiot for not finding it, and says I wouldn’t even HAVE it if it weren’t for him, then he says HE SPENT $200 on me, nope he spent $104, I remember) on CRAP that he never wanted to buy me in the first place. 

He wouldn’t have a roof over his head for 6 years and food in his belly this entire time... he would live on Spoonfuls of peanut butter and Wheat bread (your think he’d make a sandwich, but nope)

all I ask for his help with bills, is that too much to ask? HE SAYS IM EVIL CUZ I ASK HIM FOR HELP, I’m evil cuz I ask him to help me find things HE HIDES from me and yells at me for asking about.. IM EVIL FOR LETTING HIM LIVE AND EAT AND USE ME FOR 8 years of my FUCKING LIFE. 

IM EVIL BECAUSE I LET HIM GASLIGHT ME, stonewall me, financially abuses me.

I really need a way out. Please help me. 

I’ve been stuck with this for so long and I he won’t leave and I can’t leave. 

Please THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP. 

He’s KILLING ME EMOTIONALLY, financially, spiritually. 

He’s the DEVIL , I’ve even gotten the DEVIL CARD FOR HIM MULTIPLE Times ,

I’ve lived in the TOWER MOMENT for almost a decade, all I need is my SUN. My happy. Please give me some sunshine in my life. I need it. I’m tired of the dark clouds and rain, I’m tired of being locked out in the rain for hours, only to be greeted with a cold dark place to sleep. 

I pay for the place and I sleep on an uncomfortable COUCH in the living room and gotta spend my day with his ass on my bed cuz he won’t use his other rooms that I PAY FOR... 

PLEASE universe MAKE HIM WANT TO LEAVE

Universe send me a way to be financially stable without  him, make me emotionally and financially free for the first time in a decade.

I’m in literal hell with no friends, people tell me to go talk to someone but HES my only ride... 

 no one wants to be a friend and be there for me. 

Fake people have all the love and support, the abused get treated like the assholes, and i just want it all to be OK

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR THE FIRST Time. 

I’ve never hurt so bad in my life and no one gives a fuck. 

I need help out, I NEED help out and I have no one to ask because the very few people who care CAN’T help, and the people that CAN just don’t care. 

Therapy Isn’t going to get rid of him. Having a support system and getting me out of an EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE SITUATION. 

HOME is going to help me not want to DIE to escape. That’s how I feel, that there’s no escape. Please help me escape. 

I’m seeing all these suicide threats and so worried about their lives it temporarily made me STRONG ENOUGH TO TELL THEM they’re strong.. but here I’ am just as alone, just as depressed, I just don’t want to do it. 

I know there’s so much more for me, love, real friendship, truth, passion, I know it’s coming.

 I’m just tired of being stuck in pain, the devil is my captor and everyone tells me HOW I should be or it’s not so bad, or “spend money you don’t have to do this” or “ impose at so and sos place even thou they have no room”  no one can actually suggest anything that will help.  

Having a friend get me out of here, is what will help. Having a real friend will help. 

I’m miserable af and I need someone. 

Right now he’s got money, I got a bit of birthday money my mom sent but it won’t do anything. 

the only money he’s seen in years, he’s holding that over my head, cuz I won’t get my stimulus for MONTHS if I even get it... he’s fucking with me

He’s the house cat and I’m the mouse. Just fuck with me til he’s bored but barely keeps me alive 

I’m literally a slave in my own home and I don’t get any happiness or peace from doing everything. 

And I’m told no one wants to hear it

Let the ones who suffer silently, suffer silently, 

Gaslight them, praise the abusers, force people to stay with their abusers, tell them they’re just exaggerating 

that’s societies motto it seems. Victims get called abusers when they speak up. Look at Johnny Depp

I’m not physically abused, but financial abuse, emotional abuse, It’s all here and I’m realizing it more and more each day, he says IM ABUSIVE for begging for help. I’m abusive for sticking up for myself. 

God. Send me the strength. Send me a shoulder, send me someone who cares please. 

All I Can Say

All I Can Say  

All I can say is 

All I can see is 

the pain in your eyes.

All I can say is 

all I can feel is the glimmer of life

slipping out of you.

As every day passes

every day you keep lifting those glasses

every night, you fake those smiles

unknowing, uncaring glances, 

all the while

They don't care to know, care to see

That they won't let you who you need to be. 

All I can say is 

All I can see is 

there's a dark shadow above you

All I can say is 

all I can feel is that you think it's taboo

to share that you're unhappy

It's not True

Please just be You, 

That's All I can Say

Written & Published 

by Daynah

#sparklep8nter

March 2021

~Back to Poetry~

#allicansay #sparklep8nter #sparklep8nterpoem #poem #poetry  (my blogs have 2 different endings, kind of)

Alone In Public

 Alone in Public  

FIRST Published on my

 Anxiety2Art FB Group 

On 

April 30, 2015

I don't now how to title this The best I can come up with is Alone in Public.... but here is something, a poem of sorts, that I wrote in 2007

(though it still applies today, sometimes)

I get Restless, Antsy with chills, almost anger. My eyes start to hurt, and fill with tears I cannot control. I feel displaced. I don't Belong. I always feel so alone in public settings. I feel like a lost dog, wonder "where do I go, where are my friends? what do I do now??"

It always happens like this.

Someone invites me, I go along following the one person I know, but they always take off and do their own thing, leaving me alone.

I can't take this feeling, this anxiety running through my veins, and pouring out my eyes. I feel so stupid when I am all alone, so insecure. So I Write. Alone. To keep me looking busy. So I don't have to explain why I am so upset. I don't like crying in public. I don't want to be alone  I don't want my blood boiling, or be restless and covering my face so no one looks at me. I want to be excited, full of life, able to talk to anyone! I don't want this FEAR anymore.

#anxiety #alone #aloneinpublic #anxietysucks #dtp 

#sparklep8nter #anxiety2art #sparklep8nterpoem #poem #poetry #alone

Anyone out there feel the same sometimes?

or am I alone in this too?

~Back to Poetry~

When I'm All Alone

When I'm All Alone

~by: Daynah 

May 2003

When I'm all alone, I can feel the pain

I can feel it happen, I want it to end.

When I'm all alone, I sense the anger

I can feel the rush, but I can't let it out.

When I'm all alone, I want to cry

Because it's like love doesn't exist.

When I'm all alone, I know my thoughts

are negative because no one is there to bring me up.

But when I'm alone, I don't feel the anxiety

The nervousness I have when I'm in a crowd.

-DTP

Written in 20

FIRST Published on my

 Anxiety2Art FB Group 

On April 30, 2015 

#ALONE #ANXIETY #DTP #sparklep8nterpoem 

#poem #poetry

~Back to Poetry~

Why Why Why?

Why Why Why? 

*I hit an iceberg, and I was sinking fast. A friend in HS helped me through. 

Thank you for being there for me!

 Why am I always stuck in this misery.

I Try Try Try to be be happy.

They crowd around me &

all wonder why I am in pain.

I Cry Cry Cry, My eyes are weak,

I can't cry anymore.

But they don't listen,

they want it more.

I do what I can to cheer up.

I pretend that I am okay, 

but I can't play anymore.

I can't play that game.

Why don't they see that

this is really hurting me.

I DON'T WANT the attention,

but I need it, Can't you see?

CAN'T YOU SEE??

I need someone to help me

get rid of my tears,

to take me away,

from all my fears.

Not fears around me,

but fears inside.

Fears that I always try to hide.

Fears of not being loved,

fears of losing myself,

or my family.

Fears of not dying when I want to.

Fears of dying when I don't. 

I Try Try Try to get through this,

to make my life better,

To get out of this mess.

Can I get better?

Can I get better?

I just CAN'T Quit!

-DTP

Written in 1999 

Published 

September 7, 2016

(November 14 2016 was posted Here to my Poetry Page)

#trytrytry #crycrycry #whywhywhy #DTP #Anxiety #why

~Back to Poetry~

Long Enough to See the Rainbow

Long Enough to See the Rainbow

by Daynah T. Pedersen

@sparklep8nter #sparklep8nter #sparklep8nterpoem

written & published 3-21-21 

It's always nice to have those friends when you giggle half the night, go clubbing or dancing, just feeling alright.

things are great, you're chill, you're my GIRL!

The friends that always want to pick you up in their car, 

blast the tunes on the radio, sometimes no plans at all.

But are they still when things change in your world?

when things get tough, when you're hurt, or sad, are they still your girl? 

are they only there when the weather is fair?

they want to only have fun, but when you can't or don't feel it

 no one wants to listen to your problems, no one wants to hear it.

no one wants to be there. so look a what you're stuck in...

so to have someone listen, you shell out your cash, sure therapy is great, 

but what about a friend, a real bond, is that all fake?

all the therapy in the world doesn't give you a real connection, 

all it gives you is anxiety till your next session.

all you want is someone true, someone you can cry to as well as laugh. 

but the second they see your cloud roll in, they say for forget this empath.

yeah, I can feel you backing away, I feel your toxic positivity pulsing through my veins. 

sorry, I can't always be fake happy like you, 

sorry I had a bad day and needed a minute or two.

sorry I even thought this was real, 

sorry I had other emotions to feel.

sorry, that listening was just so hard for you, 

even when I did it when YOU needed me to.

a full life of fair weather friends, but this hurricanes been brewing for years. 

holding back anger, faking smiles, wiping secret tears. 

being alone on most everything you have going on, keeping worry, loneliness, secrets and fears.

you stop telling your friends about the sunny days, cuz they won't be there with an *umbrella for the rain. 

I'm just so fuckin sick of being alone, time and time again. 

yes of COURSE I want the sunshine, I want the fun and the whimsey,

but I also want to feel like i can be real, be honest, without you acting like i'm crazy

just once I want to know, 

what it's like to have someone stick around

long enough to let something genuine grow, 

maybe even long enough to see the rainbow. 

* (unless you're an Oregonian)

~Back to Poetry~

#sparklep8nter #sparklep8nterart #sparklep8nterpoem #sparklep8ntersong #longenoughtoseetherainbow #fairweatherfriends #fairweather #stormyweatherfriends #realfriends #truefriends #bestfriends #whatisarealfriend #whatisabestfriend #realpeoplerealfeelings

Forever You, Forever Me

Forever You Forever Me

I wrote this in 1999 or 2000, 

back when Justin & Britney were IT

Ever since I saw you, I knew that we'd be friends

I couldn't wait to see you, and talk to you again.

but every time I saw you, I'd lose the words to say

Reliving every moment, in horror in my head every day. 

They won't Tear us Apart, our Love is too strong. 

I'm LOCKED in your love, and I threw away the key.

Forever you, forever me

 We'll be together, no matter what they say

You and I will always be this way, 

forever with you, forever and a day. 

This is a rough short version of a song I wrote and can’t find the whole thing! I wrote it in 1999 when Justin and Britney were the it couple and I could live vicariously through them. Lol

I think it could make a song, can’t you? Who knows? Maybe soon it will be! no, it WILL be soon! OMG

Right now there are 2 versions, and someone helping me work some things to make something amazing!

~Back to Poetry~

#foreveryouforeverme #love #firstlove #truelove #iloveyou #purelove #younglove #britneyandjustin #destiny #promise #promisering