I can’t do this single lonely shit. This is the longest I’ve been single since MY EARLY 20s
My first love and I broke up when I was 16? 17? I was single til I was 22. Longest I’ve been single is 6 years?
But here I am at 40. I haven’t hugged (or been with) someone since December. (6 months?) (Except my EX, once gave me a hug when I was crying)
I’ve never slept alone this long in over a decade. I already couldn’t sleep well before, but I can’t sleep wel without someone next to me. And now I sleep alone on a couch cuz he gets the bed (a giant tv now lays in my spot on the bed). I lay staring at the ceiling waiting to fall asleep sometimes for hours cuz I’m not one of those equipped for counting sheep. Aphantasia kinda sucks
I left my ex (emotionally, he still lives here and won’t leave and won’t work so I still struggle every month to keep afloat... is it weird to call him friend when it IS there but barely? Lack of dependability, lack of trust (faithful, just won’t do what he says he will) and being let down a lot kinda takes a lot out of a friendship) I’m drowning AF and hoped things would feel better for me, but they didn’t cuz he never left. And income never got better. So on a daily basis I’m reminded of the man who still wants me, but won’t step and show me that he wants to take care of me.
I have to smell him, i have to deal with him in PUBLIC (he hates going in public he becomes a real HULK) I have to hear him scream at me out and about, but home is worse. and at my cats, our cats, but my babies.
I have to sit here and know that I’m still in the same mess as I was for YEARS, JUST THIS TIME I CANT FUCK THE AGGRESSION OUT. (The only good thing in our life that WAS good. and I cut it off cuz I didn’t want to be doormat, but I’m still technically a doormat that doesn’t even get that, and that no one else visits either. And bills are still an issue.
I’m in pain. I feel like I’m literally being tortured month after month. Emotionally and financially. I’m grateful for living, I just wish I was given something to be HAPPY for besides being tortured. There are some days where he does try, and me makes me laugh but it kills me inside cuz I don’t feel that anymore and it’s a reminder of what He wants and I don’t.
Wanna know what I’m grateful for? That I’m in FUCKING tears and my cats the one who wants to comfort me.
I can’t even go to family and I already talk too much to friends that they all just leave or start to ignore me.
I have one person I talk to on a daily basis, I used to have a few That I appreciate, but some got other things going on. Now. But I also miss human connection, I want a fuckin HUG. 6 months no hugs. I’m dying. I’m fucking lonely af and I DON’T want my ex. And I don’t want fake love, I don’t want some random guy. I want something real. I don’t want 10,000 guys hitting on me left and right telling me why they’re right for me. I know what’s right for me.
I put my art out there, no one tugs, I put my posh out there, very few bites. I put all my intention and belief and DETERMINATION and I get fucking squat. I give a man my whole life, home and body for a decade and all I get is sex in return. No stability. No protection. No feeling SPOILED IN ANY WAY shape or form, I spoiled him. But I didn’t have enough on my own and he refused to help me with anything but she sure wanted to please me in the bedroom. That’s not enough. Sex can’t keep a relationship. I shouldn’t have to Beg anyone for Help. But I’m always left needing help. When I ask I rarely get anything. I get ignored. I get JUST enough to BARELY HELP, then Murphy’s Law kicks in and shoves me down harder.
I need LOVE. I need Stability, I need TRANSFORMATION. I need a new outfit without moth holes or stains. (I could rid the stains with my gender bender but it’s been 8 months since I could buy it)
I need SOMEONE to believe in me, but I also need someone to BELIEVE IN ME ENOUGH to encourage my creativity and endeavors not tear them down . I want people to love my POSH. I LOVE posh and love getting my face washes and body scrubs... I love sharing. But I want someone else to love it too. Can’t have a business if no one buys from you but you. I make money on my own purchases... that’s my income right now from it. I get great deals with it too...
I’ve gone since 2015/2016 with posh and I’m NEVER giving up, but Fuck Man... I made one sale this year, (365 day year, not just since January) one sale 2 years ago, and it’s been the same since I started. I BELIEVE in this shit. But no one gives it a chance cuz no one believes in me enough besides ME. I spent ALL my time putting blogs together years ago, and spent daily time to get 5 views a month and no sales. I still put 10 hour days not getting paid just to make sales that I’d HOPE come in... and he said I was wasting my time, so he didn’t even believe in me all these years. He said he was gonna join too, never did.
I’m putting ALL my effort In and get little back besides my wonderful views. I’m tired of putting all my effort in and get nothing back.
I need a fuckin break and get out of this financial headlock torture device. People say be grateful. I was more grateful when I was HOMELESS cuz I had HOPE then. I had possibilities. Right now I feel like a little animal in a hole and some kid is sticking his stick in and swinging it around and I should be grateful for having space between me and the stick, and I should just GET out of the hole so easily with this kid and his stick there waiting. Yeah easy to be grateful and get out of hard situations when you are looking in on the outside. I don’t WANT to need anyone. But I do at least right now. I’m not to PRIDEFUL to say it.
My family didn’t even respond when I said I was in pain and having a really hard time. Not even noticed.
You know if everyone on my Twitter and everyone following on my Instagram gave me $1,
I’d have enough money for 2 months of NOT crying and ripping my hair out...
I had one friend offer some help. I’m grateful for her. But I’m so far gone with bills that it would barely scratch the surface, and she has her own stuff she’s got on her plate.
Also... I’m so damned sexually frustrated I could BREAK SHIT!!!!!
(I was able to do this on my phone, but I don’t have internet so to do my important blog post in need my chrome book.)
