every day i live in the nightmare that is my ex,
the more i cant escape, the more i just want to die.
give me something worth living for.
i DON'T want to be dead, i LOVE me, i love being alive, i just CAN'T ESCAPE HIM. that's all I mean.
MAKE HIM LEAVE SO I CAN HAVE MY SANITY BACK.
make him leave so DEATH ISN'T A a WISH FOR ME.
this man gaslights me and stonewalls me when i ask for ANY help or ask for respect. i have no recording devices to record and prove any of the awful things he says. My itunes never connects to my phone so i keep having to spend $35 to get my phone turned on. (Just found a new place that doesn’t make me pay) a simple fix that would work if ITUNES CONNECTED to my phone, ive bought 7 cords and redownloaded MILLIONS of times. I just need a NEW phone and NEW laptop with NEW itunes. and
i need this GASLIGHTING FINANCIALLY and EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DEADBEAT OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD. HES A FUCKING BLOOD SUCKING LEECH that WONT LET GO, and KEEPS on SUCKING.
everything I FEEL, he calls me, HE FEELS USED, HE FEELS GASLIT, HE FEELS like I DONT CARE... ive done nothing but KEEP on giving no matter HOW MUCH HE NEVER GAVE BACK. now hes MAD THAT IM STANDING UP, and hes using ALL MY AMMO to make HIM feel like HES RIGHT.
i have social anxiety and panic disorder.
I cant get work easily so i have social security. it BARELY pays shit... he wont work... hes worked 2 jobs, 3 months a piece, so 6 months of work in our 8 year relationship, HE doesn't have emotional issues hindering him from working. but he says 'YOU'RE LAZY YOU'RE not working, WHY DON'T YOU WORK?." i don't work cuz i have SEVERE ANXIETY that i get income to pay bills for....
but HE doesn't have anything hindering his abilities, he just wont work, but says I'M the problem.
I've been living on a financial noose for the last decade. I've told him this month after month for years. i told him i cant do this anymore. I cried every time rent came around and i wanted to kill myself because i had to chose between a KEY to get into my home (which i still can't afford so he has the only keys) or Toilet paper, or catfood,
he spent through his $1400, power and internet still not paid, about to get shut off...
he even bought a crockpot (when we sat here receiving broken ones over and over from his mom...
he will probably give me shit for that too...
but he only gave me a guilt trip for the $104 he spent on me recently for the 8 years of birthday presents he FINALLY, gave me.
i had my easel that he bought me next to the couch... he moved it... then when i asked him where he moved it, he yelled at me that i dare not know where it was, and he yelled at me that I ALWAYS lose my stuff, and that I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE THE EASEL if he didnt BUY it for me... then he acted like a child and plugged his ears at 10:30 at night SCREAMING that hes not listening, when i all said was "You moved it, i just don't know where, PLEASE HELP ME?"
he plugged his ears and screamed at me cuz HE moved my shit then refused to help me find it...
but I'M a monster... I'm insane, I'M a NUT, I'M A CUNT....
i have no friends to talk to, HE is my only ride to therapy, and i get guilt trips for asking for rides, i cant afford bus pass unless hes working...
and any time i try to make a friend, the second i become real, something other than chit chat, if i feel something, they don't want to hear it.
i don't have REAL friends... i need someone REAL to talk to.
I'm all alone, and living with the DEVIL. the DEVIL is my only friend.
i want someone to care. i need help out of this. I've tried for years. IM BEGGING FOR HELP OUT OF THIS...
DEATH is my only escape.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?
please help me?
i can't be alone in this hell anymore. i can't do it.
my soul has died a little more and more each day, and right now my soul is roadkill hit for the 100th time and almost on its last breath.
i NEED OUT. I NEED HELP OUT OF THIS.
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
