Untitled Love

Lonely heart, so tepid. 

Life path completely astray.

Getting colder, melting away, 

icing over with each darkening day.

Where am I going, where the FUCK have I gone? Now I'm on this whole endless journey feeling overcrowded, yet alone.  

When things kept getting darker & lonelier, I ended up cutting ties, but still chained to this emptiness, living each day with wiped tears, fake smiles & uh huhs ...

My past is latching on to me, my future won't even look.

My heart is between a rock and a hard place, feeling completely shook.

Untitled Love, 

Undefined reasons,

Unbridled Passion, 

Locked up tight in a prison so maddening.

Over-shadowed long enough,  

Too many Secrets through the seasons,

Channeling Pain through my artwork in fashion, 

Hurling my feelings into onto the canvas as they're happening.

My past is latching on to me, my future won't even look.

My heart is between a rock and a hard place, feeling completely shook.

Untitled Love, 

Undefined reasons,

Unbridled Passion, 

Locked up tight in a prison so maddening.

Lonely heart, so tepid. 

Life path completely astray.

Getting colder, melting away, icing over in each darkening day.

long enough to see the rainbow 2

 Long Enough to See the Rainbow

by Daynah T. Pedersen

@sparklep8nter #sparklep8nter #sparklep8nterpoem

written & published 3-21-21 

It's always nice to have those friends when you giggle half the night, go clubbing or dancing, just feeling alright.

things are great, you're chill, you're my GIRL!

The friends that always want to pick you up in their car, 

blast the tunes on the radio, sometimes no plans at all.

But are they still when things change in your world?

when things get tough, when you're hurt, or sad, are they still your girl? 

are they only there when the weather is fair?

they want to only have fun, but when you can't or don't feel it

 no one wants to listen to your problems, no one wants to hear it.

no one wants to be there. so look a what you're stuck in...

so to have someone listen, you shell out your cash, sure therapy is great, 

but what about a friend, a real bond, is that all fake?

all the therapy in the world doesn't give you a real connection, 

all it gives you is anxiety till your next session.

all you want is someone true, someone you can cry to as well as laugh. 

but the second they see your cloud roll in, they say for forget this empath.

yeah, I can feel you backing away, I feel your toxic positivity pulsing through my veins. 

sorry, I can't always be fake happy like you, 

sorry I had a bad day and needed a minute or two.

sorry I even thought this was real, 

sorry I had other emotions to feel.

sorry, that listening was just so hard for you, 

even when I did it when YOU needed me to.

a full life of fair weather friends, but this hurricanes been brewing for years. 

holding back anger, faking smiles, weeping & wiping secret tears. 

being alone on most everything you have going on, keeping worry, loneliness, secrets and fears.

you stop telling your friends about the sunny days, cuz they won't be there with an *umbrella for the rain. 

I'm just so fuckin sick of being alone, time and time again. 

yes of COURSE I want the sunshine, I want the fun and the whimsey,

but I also want to feel like I can be real, be honest, without you acting like I'm crazy

just once I want to know, 

what it's like to have someone stick around

long enough to let something genuine grow, 

maybe even long enough to see the rainbow. 

* (unless you're an oregonian)

?

~Back to Poetry~

#sparklep8nter #sparklep8nterart #sparklep8nterpoem #sparklep8ntersong #longenoughtoseetherainbow #fairweatherfriends #fairweather #stormyweatherfriends #realfriends #truefriends #bestfriends #whatisarealfriend #whatisabestfriend 

Unraveling Dream Catcher

 

When the Dream Catcher meant to Catch your Nightmares,

becomes the nightmare, And in no way it spares, every bit of your Fears.

When it all starts unraveling, and all the horrors come crashing through, 

sticking in this swinging tangled web, hanging by a thread.

All I want is sweet dreams, just a few.

But all my visions ended and my heart started burning, 

my soul started yearning, 

for the little life I had left in my inner sight, 

Will they ever come back as I sleep at night??

When I close my eyes in the daytime, all I see is Darkness.

excuse my inwardness, 

it's just so hard to FOCUS

No words, No Sounds, No Pictures, no little movies on little screens rewinding and fast-forwarding. no life flashing before my eyes. 

ALL I have left to look forward to is those little visions upon waking. I've had none of those since I was in the Hospital on New Years Day.  Dreams have been forgotten faster than I've even had them, 

insomnia worse, every day since... all the inspiration went away.

Sometimes I look at photos and think to paint something I'd Love to see

I'd just love a little garden with a Flowering wall, 

while charmed by little tea lights, Something I can enjoy in the now, 

Something I'd maybe never recall as I dream at night Damn, I hope someday I regain my inner sight. 

And I didn't have my Dreamcatcher, to guarantee 

sweet slumber,  That goes to the one who took my 30s.  (What was That?)

(yeah, you heard me)

 Now I'm feeling a little bit nerdy, kinda like one of those boppin songs by Janette McCurdy

I desperately felt like I needed to dream, 

  for weeks I thought I'd make myself one,  Some feathers, some floss, something to wrap around and give it some class. 

for WEEKS...  I thought this, and then LITERALLY the one thing I needed most, became a topic in another part of the universe. 

whats that word again? Dream Catcher? WELL what did I miss?

Dream-catchers Are not the Talk of the town, I'm just sippin my green tea, unbenouwnsed to me, not long before,  I just couldn't see

 the new direction it came in to me,

because I'm the only one not supposed to KNOW... 

The Dreamcatcher Blocked me from Seeing anything at ALL...

Betrayed by the Wicked deception of the Unraveling Dream-catcher, 

I just want to Dream Again. with out that misconception and that brooding pain Because ever since lifes been a little mundane.

 

Frustrated & barely staying afloat

I can’t do this single lonely shit. This is the longest I’ve been single since MY EARLY 20s 

My first love and I broke up when I was 16? 17? I was single til I was 22.  Longest I’ve been single is 6 years? 

But here I am at 40. I haven’t hugged (or been with) someone since December. (6 months?) (Except my EX, once gave me a hug when I was crying)

 I’ve never slept alone this long in over a decade. I already couldn’t sleep well before, but I can’t sleep wel without someone next to me. And now I sleep alone on a couch cuz he gets the bed (a giant tv now lays in my spot on the bed). I lay staring at the ceiling waiting to fall asleep sometimes for hours cuz I’m not one of those equipped for counting sheep. Aphantasia kinda sucks

I left my ex (emotionally, he still lives here and won’t leave and won’t work so I still struggle every month to keep afloat... is it weird to call him friend when it IS there but barely? Lack of dependability, lack of trust (faithful, just won’t do what he says he will) and being let down a lot kinda takes a lot out of a friendship) I’m drowning AF and hoped things would feel better for me, but they didn’t cuz he never left. And income never got better. So on a daily basis I’m reminded of the man who still wants me, but won’t step and show me that he wants to take care of me.

 I have to smell him, i have to deal with him in PUBLIC (he hates going in public he becomes a real HULK) I have to hear him scream at me  out and about, but home is worse. and at my cats, our cats, but my babies. 

I have to sit here and know that I’m still in the same mess as I was for YEARS, JUST THIS TIME I CANT FUCK THE AGGRESSION OUT. (The only good thing in our life that WAS good. and I cut it off cuz I didn’t want to be doormat, but I’m still technically a doormat that doesn’t even get that, and that no one else visits either. And bills are still an issue. 

I’m in pain. I feel like I’m literally being tortured month after month. Emotionally and financially.  I’m grateful for living, I just wish I was given something to be HAPPY for besides being tortured. There are some days where he does try, and me makes me laugh but it kills me inside cuz I don’t feel that anymore and it’s a reminder of what He wants and I don’t. 

Wanna know what I’m grateful for? That I’m in FUCKING tears and my cats the one who wants to comfort me. 

I can’t even go to family and I already talk too much to friends that they all just leave or start to ignore me. 

I have one person I talk to on a daily basis, I used to have a few That I appreciate, but some got other things going on. Now. But I also miss human connection, I want a fuckin HUG. 6 months no hugs. I’m dying. I’m fucking lonely af and I DON’T want my ex. And I don’t want fake love, I don’t want some random guy. I want something real. I don’t want 10,000 guys hitting on me left and right telling me why they’re right for me. I know what’s right for me. 

I put my art out there, no one tugs, I put my posh out there, very few bites. I put all my intention and belief and DETERMINATION and I get fucking squat. I give a man my whole life, home and body for a decade and all I get is sex in return. No stability. No protection. No feeling SPOILED IN ANY WAY shape or form, I spoiled him. But I didn’t have enough on my own and he refused to help me with anything but she sure wanted to please me in the bedroom. That’s not enough. Sex can’t keep a relationship. I shouldn’t have to Beg anyone for Help. But I’m always left needing help. When I ask I rarely get anything. I get ignored. I get JUST enough to BARELY HELP, then Murphy’s Law kicks in and shoves me down harder. 

I need LOVE. I need Stability, I need TRANSFORMATION. I need a new outfit without moth holes or stains. (I could rid the stains with my gender bender but it’s been 8 months since I could buy it)

I need SOMEONE to believe in me, but I also need someone to BELIEVE  IN ME ENOUGH to encourage my creativity and endeavors not tear them down . I want people to love my POSH. I LOVE posh and love getting my face washes and body scrubs... I love sharing. But I want someone else to love it too. Can’t have a business if no one buys from you but you. I make money on my own purchases... that’s my income right now from it. I get great deals with it too...

I’ve gone since 2015/2016 with posh and I’m NEVER giving up, but Fuck Man... I made one sale this year, (365 day year, not just since January) one sale 2 years ago, and it’s been the same since I started. I BELIEVE  in this shit. But no one gives it a chance cuz no one believes in me enough besides ME. I spent ALL my time putting blogs together  years ago, and spent daily time to get 5 views a month and no sales. I still put 10 hour days not getting paid just to make sales that I’d HOPE come in... and he said I was wasting my time, so he didn’t even believe in me all these years. He said he was gonna join too, never did.

I’m putting ALL my effort In and get little back besides my wonderful views. I’m tired of putting all my effort in and get nothing back.

 I need a fuckin break and get out of this financial headlock torture device. People say be grateful. I was more grateful when I was HOMELESS cuz I had HOPE then. I had possibilities. Right now I feel like a little animal in a hole and some kid is sticking his stick in and swinging it around and I should be grateful for having space between me and the stick, and I should just GET out of the hole so easily with this kid and his stick there waiting. Yeah easy to be grateful and get out of hard situations when you are looking in on the outside. I don’t WANT to need anyone. But I do at least right now. I’m not to PRIDEFUL to say it. 

My family didn’t even respond when I said I was in pain and having a really hard time. Not even noticed. 

You know if everyone on my Twitter and everyone following on my Instagram gave me $1,

I’d have enough money for 2 months of NOT crying and ripping my hair out...

I had one friend offer some help. I’m grateful for her. But I’m so far gone with bills that it would barely scratch the surface, and she has her own stuff she’s got on her plate. 

Also... I’m so damned sexually frustrated I could BREAK SHIT!!!!! 

(I was able to do this on my phone, but I don’t have internet so to do my important blog post in need my chrome book.) 

 the bills are paid

the bills are paid

THE BILLS ARE PAID...

THE BILLS ARE PAID...

THE BILLS ARE PAID...

THE RENT IS  PAID...

THE RENT IS  PAID...

THE RENT IS  PAID...

ALL MY NEEDS ARE MET

ALL MY NEEDS ARE MET

ALL MY NEEDS ARE MET

I HAVE MORE than enough money to survive the month.

i have MORE THAN ENOUGH MONEY TO SURVIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE AND NOT STRUGGLE EVER AGAIN WITHOUT THE DEMON LEACHED TO MY SOUL... GET THIS FUCKING THING OUT OFF OF ME and HELP ME SUCCEED instead of LETTING my HEAD IMPLODE into itself month after month in this BLACK HOLE OF FINANCIAL HELL GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE OF this Gaslighting SPELL

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Every Time Rent rolls around, I just want to check out.

Over This Shit

He wants me back, but I don’t.

I want a Man that acts Fully GROWN, 

I wish he’d get it, but he won’t.

When he WON'T Find WORK to help Out, But I'M RUDE when I say Get the FUCK OUT...

It’s so hard to be nice, When he refuses to respect you, & when you have to think twice before he twists everything you say. 

EX keeps trying, But I Can't

this emotional Love Bombing does Enchant, 

but I just need an X Boyfriend Transplant.

HE won't Help me but he won't leave, He's hindering the "relax" from my breathing.

I'm so Over this Shit, The Neverending Gaslit, & StoneWalling Bit, so Over it 

an UNBALANCED Emotional Roller Coaster EVERY Single DAY. I’m so done in every way. 

#gaslighting #stonewalling #emotional abuse #emotionallydrained #gaslighter #emotionallyabusiveex  #financiallyabusiveex #scrub #noscrubs #lovebomber #lovebombing #manwhowontwork #exwhowon'tleave, #exneverworked #financiallydrained

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! Living with a Narcissistic Financial Abuser who Gaslights me daily

every day i live in the nightmare that is my ex, 

the more i cant escape, the more i just want to die. 

give me something worth living for. 

i DON'T want to be dead, i LOVE me, i love being alive, i just CAN'T ESCAPE HIM. that's all I mean. 

MAKE HIM LEAVE SO I CAN HAVE MY SANITY BACK.

make him leave so DEATH ISN'T A a WISH FOR ME.

this man gaslights me and stonewalls me when i ask for ANY help or ask for respect. i have no recording devices to record and prove any of the awful things he says. My itunes never connects to my phone so i keep having to spend $35 to get my phone turned on. (Just found a new place that doesn’t make me pay) a simple fix that would work if ITUNES CONNECTED to my phone, ive bought 7 cords and redownloaded MILLIONS of times. I just need a NEW phone and NEW laptop with NEW itunes. and 

i need this GASLIGHTING FINANCIALLY and EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DEADBEAT OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD. HES A FUCKING BLOOD SUCKING LEECH that WONT LET GO, and KEEPS on SUCKING. 

everything I FEEL, he calls me, HE FEELS USED, HE FEELS GASLIT, HE FEELS like I DONT CARE... ive done nothing but KEEP on giving no matter HOW MUCH HE NEVER GAVE BACK. now hes MAD THAT IM STANDING UP, and hes using ALL MY AMMO to make HIM feel like HES RIGHT.

i have social anxiety and panic disorder.

 I cant get work easily so i have social security. it BARELY pays shit... he wont work... hes worked 2 jobs, 3 months a piece, so 6 months of work in our 8 year relationship, HE doesn't have emotional issues hindering him from working. but he says 'YOU'RE LAZY YOU'RE not working, WHY DON'T YOU WORK?." i don't work cuz i have SEVERE ANXIETY that i get income to pay bills for.... 

but HE doesn't have anything hindering his abilities, he just wont work, but says I'M the problem. 

I've been living on a financial noose for the last decade. I've told him this month after month for years. i told him i cant do this anymore. I cried every time rent came around and i wanted to kill myself because i had to chose between a KEY to get into my home (which i still can't afford so he has the only keys) or Toilet paper, or catfood, 

he spent through his $1400, power and internet still not paid, about to get shut off...

he even bought a crockpot (when we sat here receiving broken ones over and over from his mom... 

he will probably give me shit for that too... 

but he only gave me a guilt trip for the $104 he spent on me recently for the 8 years of birthday presents he FINALLY, gave me. 

i had my easel that he bought me next to the couch... he moved it... then when i asked him where he moved it, he yelled at me that i dare not know where it was, and he yelled at me that I ALWAYS lose my stuff, and that I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE THE EASEL if he didnt BUY it for me... then he acted like a child and plugged his ears at 10:30 at night SCREAMING that hes not listening, when i all said was "You moved it, i just don't know where, PLEASE HELP ME?" 

he plugged his ears and screamed at me cuz HE moved my shit then refused to help me find it...

but I'M a monster... I'm insane, I'M a NUT, I'M A CUNT....

i have no friends to talk to, HE is my only ride to therapy, and i get guilt trips for asking for rides, i cant afford bus pass unless hes working... 

and any time i try to make a friend, the second i become real, something other than chit chat, if i feel something, they don't want to hear it. 

i don't have REAL friends... i need someone REAL to talk to. 

I'm all alone, and living with the DEVIL. the DEVIL is my only friend. 

i want someone to care. i need help out of this. I've tried for years. IM BEGGING FOR HELP OUT OF THIS...

DEATH is my only escape. 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE? 

please help me? 

i can't be alone in this hell anymore. i can't do it. 

my soul has died a little more and more each day, and right now my soul is roadkill hit for the 100th time and almost on its last breath. 

i NEED OUT. I NEED HELP OUT OF THIS. 

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

I need some sunshine. This is a cry for help.

 So I’ve been living with my ex for 3 months, before I broke up with him in December for never having ever paid bills or made me feel financially stable. Just using me the entire time. I don’t even have money, I barely survive. I also have severe anxiety and panic disorder so finding work is extremely challenging. 

People don’t hire you when you are emotional. 

They like robots who have an off button.

 In the entire 8 years of being together, living in a van while we were homeless was the best part of our relationship.

That was when I was still naive of the hell he would bestow upon me for years to come. 

When we got into this apartment, we used every cent I GOT from my disability, not his, he didn’t have income or work. 

I’ve paid the bills the entire time we’ve been together, we’ve lived in this apartment for 6 years now. He’s has worked 2 different “jobs” 3 months a piece. A total of 6 months work since we’ve dated...

I’m not working but I have  an income we survive on, if he had an income we’d both be ok, he just never cared to put in the effort. 

With that short income, He went off and spent that money instantly,  spent a tiny bit to internet, but mostly bought instruments that he would never use or record with. 

Up until 2 weeks ago the only birthday and Christmas present he’s ever even gotten me was a $1 hot wheels DUCK car... and that was given to me after I broke up with him... he used my $1...

I’ve bought him hundreds of those damned cars just BECAUSE he wanted them.. I’ve made him dinners, (never done that for me) I’ve bought him dinners (never done that for me) I’ve paid the rent and all the bills since we got together... I bought him presents birthday and Christmas and just because presents, never one from him... 

Not even a card. 

He took me to all his family holidays, we had nothing to give, but he always forced me to go and accept shit looking like an ass because I was there at all. 

Now...

Well, he got his stimulus...

He spent a LOT on himself already, a synth, some microchips and other stuff, a few other important things, but he hasn’t paid a bill yet... (he paid a big chunk of power after this post but not much else)

Here’s the thing. He let me spend $104 on anything I wanted from a craft store that’s closing... 

I told him this makes up for all the missing birthdays. That was my mistake... 

So tonight after asking him to clear this one box that he had filled up twice (I had cleared it twice to use it to paint on and he kept filling it with crap... so I asked him to clear it, 2 weeks ago) tonight I ended up doing it myself cuz dammit I want to paint.

I clear it myself... and then the new easel he bought me during this ONE Time present, it’s been sitting by the couch for these 2 weeks. But tonight i go to use it... I spend 20 minutes looking, I ask him and he tells me where HE moved it... but I still can’t find it... so he throws a fit because I DARE ask him for help finding an easel that I WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE IF HE DIDN’T BUY IT FOR ME... I answered him YOU WOULDNT HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE OR A BED to sleep in  if it weren’t for me (I’m on the couch, he gets the bedroom, and the second room for his music that he doesn’t make, and the living room is my ONLY room that he spends All day in now, in my only space alone... he has 3 rooms I have NONE to myself 

He thinks I DON’T care, I’m neglectful, I don’t give him credit... for what taking out the trash a week after I ask? 

So

I tell him how I feel and said PLEASE just help me find this so I can PAINT AND release my anxiety of this madness, please. 

HE STONEWALLS ME, screams at me at 10:30pm and plugs his ears like a child jumping on the bed “IM NOT LISTENING I CANT HEAR YOU YOURE EVIL, you’re stupid” and makes childlike mocking when I’m crying about how I feel. Then when i TELL HIM I WANT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE, he MOCKS ME EVEN MORE and says he will NEVER LEAVE.

 he’s never very little into our home financially, he has 2 bedrooms and is trying to take Mine (the living room is my room), and if he was blasting this on the internet he’d be cloutchasing... (like when someone hides your stress release (my easel so I can paint my frustrations out) and then acts like your crazy when you make a big deal. 

He doesn’t care that he’s using someone, gaslighting or stonewalling  me. then, expecting and expecting but giving nothing in return, I made him a ton of food and gave him Extra... I was thanked with fingers in the ears acting like a child. 

So he HIDES my easel and when I ask he acts like I’m an idiot for not finding it, and says I wouldn’t even HAVE it if it weren’t for him, then he says HE SPENT $200 on me, nope he spent $104, I remember) on CRAP that he never wanted to buy me in the first place. 

He wouldn’t have a roof over his head for 6 years and food in his belly this entire time... he would live on Spoonfuls of peanut butter and Wheat bread (your think he’d make a sandwich, but nope)

all I ask for his help with bills, is that too much to ask? HE SAYS IM EVIL CUZ I ASK HIM FOR HELP, I’m evil cuz I ask him to help me find things HE HIDES from me and yells at me for asking about.. IM EVIL FOR LETTING HIM LIVE AND EAT AND USE ME FOR 8 years of my FUCKING LIFE. 

IM EVIL BECAUSE I LET HIM GASLIGHT ME, stonewall me, financially abuses me.

I really need a way out. Please help me. 

I’ve been stuck with this for so long and I he won’t leave and I can’t leave. 

Please THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP. 

He’s KILLING ME EMOTIONALLY, financially, spiritually. 

He’s the DEVIL , I’ve even gotten the DEVIL CARD FOR HIM MULTIPLE Times ,

I’ve lived in the TOWER MOMENT for almost a decade, all I need is my SUN. My happy. Please give me some sunshine in my life. I need it. I’m tired of the dark clouds and rain, I’m tired of being locked out in the rain for hours, only to be greeted with a cold dark place to sleep. 

I pay for the place and I sleep on an uncomfortable COUCH in the living room and gotta spend my day with his ass on my bed cuz he won’t use his other rooms that I PAY FOR... 

PLEASE universe MAKE HIM WANT TO LEAVE

Universe send me a way to be financially stable without  him, make me emotionally and financially free for the first time in a decade.

I’m in literal hell with no friends, people tell me to go talk to someone but HES my only ride... 

 no one wants to be a friend and be there for me. 

Fake people have all the love and support, the abused get treated like the assholes, and i just want it all to be OK

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR THE FIRST Time. 

I’ve never hurt so bad in my life and no one gives a fuck. 

I need help out, I NEED help out and I have no one to ask because the very few people who care CAN’T help, and the people that CAN just don’t care. 

Therapy Isn’t going to get rid of him. Having a support system and getting me out of an EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE SITUATION. 

HOME is going to help me not want to DIE to escape. That’s how I feel, that there’s no escape. Please help me escape. 

I’m seeing all these suicide threats and so worried about their lives it temporarily made me STRONG ENOUGH TO TELL THEM they’re strong.. but here I’ am just as alone, just as depressed, I just don’t want to do it. 

I know there’s so much more for me, love, real friendship, truth, passion, I know it’s coming.

 I’m just tired of being stuck in pain, the devil is my captor and everyone tells me HOW I should be or it’s not so bad, or “spend money you don’t have to do this” or “ impose at so and sos place even thou they have no room”  no one can actually suggest anything that will help.  

Having a friend get me out of here, is what will help. Having a real friend will help. 

I’m miserable af and I need someone. 

Right now he’s got money, I got a bit of birthday money my mom sent but it won’t do anything. 

the only money he’s seen in years, he’s holding that over my head, cuz I won’t get my stimulus for MONTHS if I even get it... he’s fucking with me

He’s the house cat and I’m the mouse. Just fuck with me til he’s bored but barely keeps me alive 

I’m literally a slave in my own home and I don’t get any happiness or peace from doing everything. 

And I’m told no one wants to hear it

Let the ones who suffer silently, suffer silently, 

Gaslight them, praise the abusers, force people to stay with their abusers, tell them they’re just exaggerating 

that’s societies motto it seems. Victims get called abusers when they speak up. Look at Johnny Depp

I’m not physically abused, but financial abuse, emotional abuse, It’s all here and I’m realizing it more and more each day, he says IM ABUSIVE for begging for help. I’m abusive for sticking up for myself. 

God. Send me the strength. Send me a shoulder, send me someone who cares please. 

All I Can Say

All I Can Say  

All I can say is 

All I can see is 

the pain in your eyes.

All I can say is 

all I can feel is the glimmer of life

slipping out of you.

As every day passes

every day you keep lifting those glasses

every night, you fake those smiles

unknowing, uncaring glances, 

all the while

They don't care to know, care to see

That they won't let you who you need to be. 

All I can say is 

All I can see is 

there's a dark shadow above you

All I can say is 

all I can feel is that you think it's taboo

to share that you're unhappy

It's not True

Please just be You, 

That's All I can Say

Written & Published 

by Daynah

#sparklep8nter

March 2021

~Back to Poetry~

#allicansay #sparklep8nter #sparklep8nterpoem #poem #poetry  (my blogs have 2 different endings, kind of)

Alone In Public

 Alone in Public  

FIRST Published on my

 Anxiety2Art FB Group 

On 

April 30, 2015

I don't now how to title this The best I can come up with is Alone in Public.... but here is something, a poem of sorts, that I wrote in 2007

(though it still applies today, sometimes)

I get Restless, Antsy with chills, almost anger. My eyes start to hurt, and fill with tears I cannot control. I feel displaced. I don't Belong. I always feel so alone in public settings. I feel like a lost dog, wonder "where do I go, where are my friends? what do I do now??"

It always happens like this.

Someone invites me, I go along following the one person I know, but they always take off and do their own thing, leaving me alone.

I can't take this feeling, this anxiety running through my veins, and pouring out my eyes. I feel so stupid when I am all alone, so insecure. So I Write. Alone. To keep me looking busy. So I don't have to explain why I am so upset. I don't like crying in public. I don't want to be alone  I don't want my blood boiling, or be restless and covering my face so no one looks at me. I want to be excited, full of life, able to talk to anyone! I don't want this FEAR anymore.

#anxiety #alone #aloneinpublic #anxietysucks #dtp 

#sparklep8nter #anxiety2art #sparklep8nterpoem #poem #poetry #alone

Anyone out there feel the same sometimes?

or am I alone in this too?

~Back to Poetry~

When I'm All Alone

When I'm All Alone

~by: Daynah 

May 2003

When I'm all alone, I can feel the pain

I can feel it happen, I want it to end.

When I'm all alone, I sense the anger

I can feel the rush, but I can't let it out.

When I'm all alone, I want to cry

Because it's like love doesn't exist.

When I'm all alone, I know my thoughts

are negative because no one is there to bring me up.

But when I'm alone, I don't feel the anxiety

The nervousness I have when I'm in a crowd.

-DTP

Written in 20

FIRST Published on my

 Anxiety2Art FB Group 

On April 30, 2015 

#ALONE #ANXIETY #DTP #sparklep8nterpoem 

#poem #poetry

~Back to Poetry~

Why Why Why?

Why Why Why? 

*I hit an iceberg, and I was sinking fast. A friend in HS helped me through. 

Thank you for being there for me!

 Why am I always stuck in this misery.

I Try Try Try to be be happy.

They crowd around me &

all wonder why I am in pain.

I Cry Cry Cry, My eyes are weak,

I can't cry anymore.

But they don't listen,

they want it more.

I do what I can to cheer up.

I pretend that I am okay, 

but I can't play anymore.

I can't play that game.

Why don't they see that

this is really hurting me.

I DON'T WANT the attention,

but I need it, Can't you see?

CAN'T YOU SEE??

I need someone to help me

get rid of my tears,

to take me away,

from all my fears.

Not fears around me,

but fears inside.

Fears that I always try to hide.

Fears of not being loved,

fears of losing myself,

or my family.

Fears of not dying when I want to.

Fears of dying when I don't. 

I Try Try Try to get through this,

to make my life better,

To get out of this mess.

Can I get better?

Can I get better?

I just CAN'T Quit!

-DTP

Written in 1999 

Published 

September 7, 2016

(November 14 2016 was posted Here to my Poetry Page)

#trytrytry #crycrycry #whywhywhy #DTP #Anxiety #why

~Back to Poetry~

Long Enough to See the Rainbow

Long Enough to See the Rainbow

by Daynah T. Pedersen

@sparklep8nter #sparklep8nter #sparklep8nterpoem

written & published 3-21-21 

It's always nice to have those friends when you giggle half the night, go clubbing or dancing, just feeling alright.

things are great, you're chill, you're my GIRL!

The friends that always want to pick you up in their car, 

blast the tunes on the radio, sometimes no plans at all.

But are they still when things change in your world?

when things get tough, when you're hurt, or sad, are they still your girl? 

are they only there when the weather is fair?

they want to only have fun, but when you can't or don't feel it

 no one wants to listen to your problems, no one wants to hear it.

no one wants to be there. so look a what you're stuck in...

so to have someone listen, you shell out your cash, sure therapy is great, 

but what about a friend, a real bond, is that all fake?

all the therapy in the world doesn't give you a real connection, 

all it gives you is anxiety till your next session.

all you want is someone true, someone you can cry to as well as laugh. 

but the second they see your cloud roll in, they say for forget this empath.

yeah, I can feel you backing away, I feel your toxic positivity pulsing through my veins. 

sorry, I can't always be fake happy like you, 

sorry I had a bad day and needed a minute or two.

sorry I even thought this was real, 

sorry I had other emotions to feel.

sorry, that listening was just so hard for you, 

even when I did it when YOU needed me to.

a full life of fair weather friends, but this hurricanes been brewing for years. 

holding back anger, faking smiles, wiping secret tears. 

being alone on most everything you have going on, keeping worry, loneliness, secrets and fears.

you stop telling your friends about the sunny days, cuz they won't be there with an *umbrella for the rain. 

I'm just so fuckin sick of being alone, time and time again. 

yes of COURSE I want the sunshine, I want the fun and the whimsey,

but I also want to feel like i can be real, be honest, without you acting like i'm crazy

just once I want to know, 

what it's like to have someone stick around

long enough to let something genuine grow, 

maybe even long enough to see the rainbow. 

* (unless you're an Oregonian)

~Back to Poetry~

#sparklep8nter #sparklep8nterart #sparklep8nterpoem #sparklep8ntersong #longenoughtoseetherainbow #fairweatherfriends #fairweather #stormyweatherfriends #realfriends #truefriends #bestfriends #whatisarealfriend #whatisabestfriend #realpeoplerealfeelings

Forever You, Forever Me

Forever You Forever Me

I wrote this in 1999 or 2000, 

back when Justin & Britney were IT

Ever since I saw you, I knew that we'd be friends

I couldn't wait to see you, and talk to you again.

but every time I saw you, I'd lose the words to say

Reliving every moment, in horror in my head every day. 

They won't Tear us Apart, our Love is too strong. 

I'm LOCKED in your love, and I threw away the key.

Forever you, forever me

 We'll be together, no matter what they say

You and I will always be this way, 

forever with you, forever and a day. 

This is a rough short version of a song I wrote and can’t find the whole thing! I wrote it in 1999 when Justin and Britney were the it couple and I could live vicariously through them. Lol

I think it could make a song, can’t you? Who knows? Maybe soon it will be! no, it WILL be soon! OMG

Right now there are 2 versions, and someone helping me work some things to make something amazing!

~Back to Poetry~

#foreveryouforeverme #love #firstlove #truelove #iloveyou #purelove #younglove #britneyandjustin #destiny #promise #promisering 

What I Need

 Love is just a beating heart

rushing and gushing right from the start

blood rushes in, cheeks up in flames

I never thought I'd feel this again

all it took was a little pain, feeling of struggle, 

some feeling insane

feeling like this madness would never end, 

until I said I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS over and over again

Finally one day, it finally clicked, it was finally done, I was over it, 

You know it cuz I exploded

every little aching pain I've collected over seemingly infinite years

feeling unheard, gaslit, called a NAG, a B****, Or Crazy

just cuz I wanted you to take CARE OF ME?

yeah this was it.

I never knew I could feel so alive

like a near death experience, nothing makes you want to live more

makes you gain a new initiative to thrive.

and silly, all it took was stepping out that door

I've finally fallen for ME

to give myself what I need, 

the freedom to live without worry, 

the space & room to BREATHE

cuz when you're with the wrong person

you know it

the actions they provide subliminally show it

 you spend all your time in the mode of give give give

and it feels like all they do is take take take

then you know they're just using you cuz they can, 

they're just being fake fake fake

Fake it til you Make it just won't work 

if you JUST CAN'T TAKE IT.

Jan 2021

(move some shit around, add some stuff... could it make a song? lol)

~Back to Poetry~

#sparklep8nter #poem #lyrics #song #breakup #financialabuse #freedom #iloveme #loveyourself

I need ME more than you do

 Lost, Broken, all Alone

Feeling Miserable, Like I've wasted all this time. 

All these years, waiting, hoping, wishing you would care enough

to take the bull by the fucking horns, Your life is in YOUR hands, 

but you Don't, You didn't, did you ever THINK I'd be OK with being BARELY OK?

I'M NOT FINE

I'm NOT FINE with a life filled of stress, worry, and feeling USED

Did you ever think that maybe I want to be GREAT?

AMAZING? I WANT TO FUCKING THRIVE

and here I left you and you won't even leave. Get Up, Get OUT, or get some FUCKING DRIVE?

I NEED life to make me FEEL ALIVE

Breaking up with toxic love is like 

Falling in love with yourself.

No one's going to MAKE you happy, MAKE you safe, 

MAKE you feel the respect you deserve til you STAND up Stand Tall Shout it OUT

 I NEED ME MORE THAN YOU DO

I NEED ME MORE THAN YOU DO

Better hope you learn to help yourself, 

Because I've waited and waited and I just can't be here for you

Anymore

And don't you Dare say it's cuz  I didn't believe in you 

I had faith, I invested, even when things were WORSE than tough

I love me more than you did, it's obvious, 

because I respect myself enough 

to not make these tired excuses, 

day after day, week after week, year after year

 like you've been doing the last SEVERAL years. (YEARS?!)

I gave you nearly a Decade, and all I got in return was greif, 

I was the problem, I was the nag, I was the one that was overreacting

cuz I just couldn't HANDLE the blatant avoidance 

always heard but never listened, now you want to turn it on me...

Never could you step up, never could you back up 

what you always promised me, 

to love me, protect me, AS WELL as make me feel secure,  NOT INSTEAD

you never did that... yea that's why i'm not so sure 

that I could ever disrespect myself like that again. 

I love myself more than that.

I guess I just needed ME more than you did

I just NEED ME more than YOU did. 

#SparkleP8nter #poem #music #songs #lyrics #feelings #breakup #financialabuse #feelingused

Written & Published 

Winter of 

2020/2021

~Back to Poetry~